Why doesn’t the world stop?

Why doesn’t the world stop???

When my Gram died Mother’s Day of 2010 I was completely out of sorts.  I stayed with my Grandpa and brother for a week so we could get Gramps put together with the paper work that was to follow, cancelling Grams appointments and helping with whatever needed to be done.  I barely ate or slept and darn near cried at the drop of a hat.   When I came home to my family I couldn’t believe the world hadn’t stopped here like it did when I was with Grandpa and Ben.  I had to go back to work, had to take care of my kids and I had to live …… without her.  I didn’t think I could do it and there are times I don’t know how I am doing it.

Friday afternoon my friend Katrina had the difficult job of calling me and other out of towners that one of our best friends had passed away.   I felt like I was hit by a brick, it was happening again.  Only this time I didn’t have a week to process before heading back to reality.  My daughters can’t understand why Mommy can’t stop crying or why she can’t play.  So Chad has let me grieve and my oldest is trying to do the sweetest things.  It’s harder for her because she knew Aunt Jodi was sick and made her several get wells cards and pictures that I was supposed to deliver when I visited her in the hospital on Saturday.  I told her Aunt Jodi was getting better, because that was the truth.  When I told her Aunt Jodi died, I don’t think she understood because she just stared at me.

Why doesn’t the world stop?  to give us time to grieve before life has to begin again?

Pyper got up later after processing what I told her and wrote another card to Aunt Jodi but didn’t know how to deliver it.  She thought about it and asked me to take it to the funeral, she wants to go but I think it will be too hard for both of us.

After I read her note I explained that as much as we want that’s just something not something that can not happen.  She said to me “I know Mom” so I guess that’s just how she is feeling.  So am I.

When I came home from Grandpa’s a year and a half ago I was constantly looking at Gram’s facebook page she just started it and it just sat there.  My sister and I wrote on her wall how much we missed her.  I looked at it every day and saw everyone else’s status’ wondering how they are going on when I can’t.  Now with Jodi gone I find myself doing the same thing.  Looking at Jodi’s page seeing all the people she made and impact on and then seeing normal status’ and wondering again…..why hasn’t the whole world stopped to grieve my friend?  Why is so and so at the movies and why is so and so shopping? don’t they know she’s gone???

Fact is Gram kept it from us that she was so sick because she didn’t want our world to stop,  she wanted us to take care of our families and go about our days and not grieve before she was gone.  She wanted us to live because she knew the world goes on whether we are ready for it or not.  Jodi would have wanted the same thing, just as she was she was able to live because she didn’t know what was to come.  She was living her life to the fullest she was at a place where she was so happy with every aspect in her life, family, work, friends her charity work.  She would want us all to live on and to take the reins when it came keeping friendships alive no matter how far away, keeping up with her Komen work and just plain living. It will be hard.

Her funeral is Thursday, I’m not ready, none of us are until then I think we may all be wondering the same thing.

Why doesn’t the world stop???

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Jodi Lynn Clark

Jodi Lynn Clark

Yesterday my friend Katrina had called me to say our friend Jodi had passed away, she was only 51 a few weeks from her 52nd birthday.  I am devastated as is every one who knew and loved her.

I have cried, I have screamed, I have read all her friends sweet words on her Facebook page and cried some more.  As I type ….still crying …. it just doesn’t seem fair that a woman with a heart as big as the moon would be taken away by a heart attack.

Not to be a cliché when a person passes all you hear is how wonderful that person was, well with Jodi it’s true, she would do anything she could to help her friends and even strangers out.  Jodi was very active in the Komen Race for the Cure.  She always had a team for her aunt and worked very hard to raise money and get people to walk.  She was even named chairperson this year, the race in Cleveland is September this year my friend Katrina said that they are going to do something special for Jodi I can’t wait to see it.

Jodi wasn’t just my friend she was family, she was there for me when I needed her the most.  When Gram died she came to the house every day, called every night even after she had just been there.  She brought Grandpa food and stopped by until she knew he was going to be ok and would still ask me if he needed anything constantly. This is just one of the million things she so unselfishly did for her friends.

 When Gram died Jodi gave me a book called How To Cope When You Lose A Parent I wonder how you cope when you lose a best friend?

I want to write more but right now it will have to wait, it’s just too painful.

Pyper and her “Aunt” Jodi two red headed peas in a pod.

Jodi – we will miss you forever and love you even longer.

A Very Special Relationship

From the time I got pregnant I knew this baby would be a huge part of my Grandparent’s lives.  We only lived 4 doors down on the same block so I spent a lot of time up there all big and pregnant.   Then when the time came to be induced I called Chad at work to tell him and ran straight to my Grandparents house, only they weren’t home! So my brother and I started making the calls to the family, Pyper was on her way!  We had to be at the hospital by 8:00 that night so Chad and I went to dinner and drove in to the hospital.  Not too long after we got in the room Gram, Grandpa, Ben and Mom showed up.  I was in labor for a very long time so my everyone left for a while but Gram and Chad.  She was with us the whole time, then 24 hours later came a C-Section I just wouldn’t dilate.  So Chad went in and Gram called everyone back and waited.  I had gotten motion sickness when I was in the ER and the medicine they gave me made me very groggy.  I don’t remember much of Py after the birth what I do remember was waking up a little in recovery and seeing Chad feed her for the first time and while I laid there; I saw my family and my sister in law Dawn.  Gram was stroking my hair telling me how beautiful my daughter was.  When Py was done eating Chad handed her to Gram and she placed her in my arms only I was so drugged I thought she might roll off!   Gram assured me she would be just fine and so she was.

Gram even gave Py her first bath because I had no idea what to do.  Do you see the love in that tiny one’s eyes for her Gram? Gram loved to talk about that red hair too just like her first-born…… my Mom.

Then PapPap would hold her for her nap while Gram and I played SkipBo….. 

And if we weren’t at their house they would walk down to mine I loved that.  I missed that so much when we moved two hours away I had a pretty hard time without them.  I tried to get up there as much as I could, now I feel like I should have been there more and will try harder for Grandpa. 

Then of course there was Py’s First Christmas she was spoiled rotten even when Gram said “don’t go overboard honey she is just a baby she won’t know the difference”  then she would buy her too much! I guess that was part of the do as I say not as I do LOL

She was eager to just hold Py the whole time we were at the big family Christmas so Chad and I could eat and visit, I used to be accused of holding her too much from some people they should have seen Gram!

 Gram even shared her favorite show with Py…WHEEL >>>OF>>>FORTUNE!!

Pyper loved learning new things from Gram and there was always something new…..From the love of fine jewelry….

To trying new foods (she always ate better for Gram than she ever did for me) even to this day I can cook something she will not like it, if we go to Gram and PapPap’s and Gram makes it, it’s the best thing she ever tasted silly girl……..

Gram taight her about weeding the flowers in the flower pots ….

Or even just to smell those flowers that she would remind her were not weeds….

Py loved it when Gram would brush her hair but screamed and cried when I tried to and Gram loved to fluff it up (-:

Gram would always talk to Pyper about everything I believe this was a serious conversation about shoes…

She would read to Py her books and sometimes they would just look through the paper together in the mornings…

When Py got older Gram started to let her cook with her, Py looked forward to this every time we visited they made everything from homemade mac and cheese, macaroni salad or chocolate chip cookies….

 

That was the cookie making day, of course Py ate too many but Gram never stopped her that’s what grandma’s are for after all (-:\

After making Gram’s famous macaroni salad the only mac salad she ever would eat…..

And of course her famous macaroni and cheese….Py is probably the only one who knows the recipe……maybe if I look at all the pictures closely I can figure it out (-:

Then……..Pyper was so excited when Phoebe was born Gram, Grandpa, Ben and Mom all drove down for the birth.  Pyper stayed in the waiting room with them and my in-laws.  They all made Py feel so special being a big sister.  They went back that night but came back down the following weekend to help where they could.  Of course Gram and Py made the mac and cheese!  And Py just wanted to share her grandparents with the newest addition. 

The last time Pyper saw Gram was at Easter, when we went back to spend the weekend Py had stayed over at her cousins and didn’t see her.  Phoebe was so good that weekend Gram. Mopm and Grandpa really enjoyed her.  Unfortunately, Gram ended up in the hospital the weekend after that and told me not to come up she was fine just wait so I did.  We had planned on spending Mothers Day with her and Mom.  She died at 9:20 on Mother’s Day we were almost to the house.

I thought Pyper knew that she wasn’t going to see Gram again until this past Friday when we were going to see PapPap the next day.  She asked if her and Gram could make cookies I was surprised.  I had to break her heart all over again.  Reminding her that Gram was in heaven, she said she didn’t want her to be there.   She seems to break down when she is getting put down to sleep and she has since after the funeral about how she misses her.  She has cried a lot but this was the first time she thought she would see her So I admit we were both a mess.  On our way to the house the next morning she spent the whole two hours talking about Gram.  Just when I thought she said all she could she said….”Mom, Gram was a good cooker”

“Yes she sure was Py, she sure was”

Gram

From the time I was born my sister and I would spend weekends with my Grandparents and we would do the coolest stuff.  Grandpa drove truck and a lot of times would rest up on the weekends while Gram ran us around to movies or to see Santa (who she knew personally of course) or any other kid friendly place she could think of.   My parents were not well off and my father was never around so my Grandparents always made sure my sister and I had new clothes and usually they were matching HAHA.  I remember watching the Wizard of Oz, sleeping on cots and always eating popcorn, ice cream and drinking Diet Coke sometimes until I threw up!   Then on Sundays we would all get ready and go to church, Grandpa was an usher and Gram taught in the Exceptionals Department for people with mental and physical disabilities.  She worked at National City over at Goodyear and loved seeing her regulars she was happy back then and it showed.  Then in September 1984 my baby brother was born I was ecstatic I always wanted a brother! and he was the cutest thing we ever saw he had grey eyes and rock star shaggy black hair at birth how funny was that…..we got to celebrate that night and went home with our father.  The next morning we got a call that our Mother went into cardiac arrest and was in a coma we were sent to school and when we got out it was our Grandparents that picked us up.  It was a month of worry and secrets, we eventually were told that our Mom would be a vegetable.  Our father took that opportunity to leave us he was a coward; my Grandparents were not.   My sister, brother and I moved in with our Grandparents, my Gram did all the hard paper work to make sure we had everything we needed she became our (and our Mom’s) legal guardian.  I was ten years old.

I thought I had the world figured out summers were spent playing all day at home or Mom would take us to Aunt Jeannie’s house where we would play and they would drink coffee and chat.  In the fall I would walk to school with my friend Missy everyday and go to school and play with my friends, I was quiet…my sister wasn’t hehe.  I thought I would live in that small town forever I loved it. If we weren’t home we were at Aunt Jeannie or my Grandparents.  To this day 25 years later I can remember everyone I played with or went to grade school with.   Then the big move. 

I never realized how hard it was to get all her ducks in a row, Gram just inherited a whole second family! Just when her and Grandpa should be thinking retirement and travel the world she got all of us.  She took an early retirement since taking care of Mom was a full-time job and Grandpa worked 15 years longer than he had too because he had four more mouths to feed.  They sacrificed everything and never once complained at least if they did it was never known to us. 

For the last twenty-five years they have been here for all of us through thick and thin, through good and bad choices they have always been proud of us.   Gram worked hard with Mom and she is not the vegetable the doctors claimed she would be,  she is mentally disabled though she has the mentality of a 5 and a half-year old.  How do we know this? Her and my oldest ask the same questions, eat the same fast way, same emotions  and just have the same traits. 

On May 9, 2010 Mother’s Day Gram passed away at 9:20 in the Emergency Room, she had been battling cancer.  We were told by doctors a few weeks ago she had a year or two to live.  They didn’t expect her heart to stop.  It was a shock to everyone and sitting here a week later it’s still hard to believe.  We have went through the planning, the calling hours, the funeral and my brother and I have even visited the grave site.  And still not real.  Tomorrow I have to make a million calls and get a thousand forms to help Grandpa still not real.  My older sister and her family took my Mom to live with them Friday eight hours away.  I talked to her tonight and she seems really good, we were all so worried but I think we are the ones not handling well not her.   Grandpa and my brother are alone in the house now and Grandpa is so sad I hope his friends come to visit.  I came home yesterday after a week, my Uncle left today.  I called to check in and he seemed ok spoke like he was just exhausted he has cried a lot and can ‘t sleep.  (neither can I) My brother and I decided we are all getting Skype so Grandpa can see everyone.  I wish we would have thought of that before Gram was gone she was just getting into the computer thing even has a Facebook page.

I don’t look forward to life without Gram I was there for everything; until five years ago when we moved two hours away then I talked to her every other day and got up there every other weekend at least I tried to. We had gotten to the point in our lives that we were just frank with each other.  Told each other everything maybe too much (maybe not enough when it comes to her illness)  but it made us very close and I will miss her so much.  I feel the guilt of not being there when she died, we made plans to spend the day together I was thirty minutes away when she died.   I feel the guilt of not calling her the day before; I feel the guilt of not telling her I loved her more.  So much guilt, I just wish I had more time.   It’s not going to be an easy year.  Grandpa just wants to be with Gram, we just want him to take care of himself so we don’t lose him too.

My Aunt Jeannie, my Mom, my Uncle Fred, Sister, Brother and I all lost a Mother because she raised us all.  All of our children lost a Grandmother and my Grandfather lost his wife of just short of 60 years.   Keep us all in your thoughts and prayers as we try to move forward without the one we went to for all the answers.  I may blog a lot seems to help get it out a little and I can type through the tears.